Self Reflection
How to Take an Honest Inventory of the Life You're Living
A gentle guided reflection for women who are unsure if they are in an abusive relationship.
Sometimes you know something is wrong but you cannot name it. You have been living inside it for so long that it has started to feel normal. Taking an honest inventory of your life is not about blaming yourself. It is about giving yourself permission to see clearly, maybe for the first time.
Start With How You Feel
Before looking at what your partner does, start with what you feel. Abusive relationships slowly erode your sense of self. You may have stopped recognizing the person you've become.
When was the last time you felt genuinely happy, not performing happiness, but actually feeling it?
Do you feel like you are constantly walking on eggshells?
Have you stopped sharing your thoughts and opinions because you know how they will be received?
Do you feel more like yourself when your partner is not around?
Have you lost interest in things you used to love?
Look at How You Are Treated
Abuse is not always loud. It is not always physical. Sometimes it sounds like "I'm just joking." Sometimes it looks like silence for days. Sometimes it feels like you are never quite enough.
Does your partner dismiss your feelings or tell you that you are overreacting?
Do they twist conversations so that you end up apologizing for things you did not do?
Do they use scripture, faith, or spiritual language to control your behavior?
Have they threatened to leave, take the kids, or harm themselves when you try to set a boundary?
Do they check your phone, monitor your whereabouts, or isolate you from friends and family?
Do you feel afraid to disagree with them?
Notice What Has Changed in You
One of the clearest signs that something is wrong is the person you are becoming. Abuse changes you from the inside out. You may not even realize how much you have lost until you stop and look.
Are you more anxious, withdrawn, or emotionally exhausted than you used to be?
Do you apologize constantly, even when you have done nothing wrong?
Have you started doubting your own memory or perception of events?
Do you feel like you are losing your identity?
Have you stopped trusting your own judgment?
Ask Yourself the Hard Questions
This is the part where you stop protecting the relationship and start protecting yourself. These questions are not easy. But they are honest. And you deserve honesty.
If your best friend described your relationship to you as her own, what would you tell her?
Are you staying because you want to or because you are afraid of what happens if you leave?
Do you believe you deserve to be treated this way?
What would your life look like if you were not afraid?
If nothing changes, can you live like this for another year? Five years? Ten?
What to Do Next
You do not have to have all the answers today. Taking an honest inventory is the first step. It does not mean you have to leave tomorrow. It does not mean you have failed. It means you are finally being honest with yourself. And that takes courage.
Talk to someone you trust. A friend, a family member, a counselor.
If you are in immediate danger, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233
Listen to the GasLit & Gorgeous podcast for women who have been where you are.
Join our community. You do not have to do this alone.
If any of these questions hit close to home, press play on the podcast.
Start with Episode 1. You are not as alone as you think.