If you grew up in the church, you have probably heard some version of this: "You should not set boundaries. That is selfish. That is not what Jesus would do. You need to be more like Christ and sacrifice your own comfort for others."
The truth is that healthy boundaries are not only biblical. They are essential for protecting your peace and honoring what God has entrusted to you. This teaching that boundaries are selfish has been used to keep countless women in abusive situations. And it is not biblical. It is a distortion of Scripture that has caused immense harm. Let us dismantle it together.
The Lie: "You Should Not Set Boundaries"
The idea that boundaries are unbiblical is not found anywhere in Scripture. It comes from a misinterpretation of verses about humility, servanthood, and love. Yes, Jesus called us to serve others. Yes, He taught us to love our enemies and turn the other cheek. But He also modeled boundaries throughout His ministry.
Jesus often withdrew from the crowds to pray. He did not heal everyone who came to Him. He did not answer every question posed to Him. He walked away from people who tried to manipulate or control Him. If the perfect Son of God set boundaries, how can we say that boundaries are unbiblical?
What the Bible Actually Says About Boundaries
The Bible is full of examples and teachings that support healthy boundaries:
- You are the steward of your own body and life. "Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit?" (1 Corinthians 6:19). You are responsible for protecting what God has entrusted to you.
- You are called to guard your heart. "Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it" (Proverbs 4:23). Guarding your heart means setting limits on who has access to you and how they treat you.
- You are not required to stay in harmful situations. "If anyone will not welcome you or listen to your words, leave that home or town and shake the dust off your feet" (Matthew 10:14). Jesus Himself gave His disciples permission to walk away from those who rejected and mistreated them.
- You are to be wise about whom you trust. "The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and pay the penalty" (Proverbs 22:3). Wisdom calls us to recognize danger and protect ourselves.
Boundaries Are Love, Not Selfishness
This is the most important truth about boundaries: they are an act of love. When you set a boundary, you are saying, "I love you too much to let our relationship continue in this unhealthy pattern." You are protecting the relationship from becoming more damaged. You are also protecting yourself so that you can be present, healthy, and whole.
Boundaries are not walls. They are gates. Gates have doors that open and close. They let in what is good and keep out what is harmful. They are not a rejection of connection. They are a framework for healthy connection.
What to Do When Someone Uses Scripture to Shame Your Boundaries
You may encounter people who quote verses like "turn the other cheek" or "forgive seventy times seven" to pressure you into dropping your boundaries. Here is how to respond in truth and grace:
- Know your Bible. The same Bible that teaches forgiveness also teaches wisdom, self-preservation, and justice. God is not asking you to be a doormat.
- Remember context. Verses taken out of context are often used to control. The Bible must be read as a whole, not cherry-picked to silence you.
- Trust the Holy Spirit. If the Spirit inside you is saying "this is not right," listen. The Holy Spirit will never lead you into harm disguised as obedience.
- Hold your ground with gentleness. You do not need to debate or defend. You can simply say, "I understand your perspective, but I believe God is leading me to protect my peace right now."
"God is not a God of confusion but of peace."
1 Corinthians 14:33
Boundaries bring peace. They bring clarity. They bring freedom. If someone is using Scripture to make you feel guilty for protecting your well-being, that is not from God. You have every right to say no. You have every right to protect your heart. And you have a God who honors your courage to do so.
You are not crazy. You are not alone.
You are not beyond healing.